CHAPTER 1
Nephi
turned east. The rising sun would not be
hidden by the tree tops much longer.
Looming in the distance were the dark silhouettes of the temple pyramids
climbing high into the sky with their steep sides and sharply angled corners. At the top of the tallest pyramid was a flat
ceremonial platform. The first beam of
sunlight through the windows of the temple-palaces would be carefully marked by
the Elders of Zarahemla.
Until now,
Nephi had walked through the forest on the soft, narrow dirt paths he easily
followed. When he reached the first
stone-paved street of the city, he stopped momentarily in the shadow of the
central pyramid.
In comparison to his own garden
home, the city streets of Zarahemla were brown and treeless. The most heavily traveled streets had been
paved with stone so that mud during the rainy season would not hinder the wagons
loaded with goods for the market place.
Nephi had purposefully selected a
secluded space away from the city for his own home. He built his hut in six days. At the end of each day, he saw that his work
was good and he was pleased with his creation.
First, he cleared and leveled
enough ground for a simple, one room structure.
Then, he made a typical rectangular hut with walls made from wood
covered with adobe and whitened with lime.
The roof was constructed next from shorn wood lashed together to form
the beams which were then expertly thatched together with native palm fronds to
be water tight, even in the heaviest rains.
One central opening facing east served as a doorway.
Surrounding the hut was a garden
with orchids and other beautiful flowers.
Nephi lovingly tended his garden every day and had names for all the
many animals he frequently found there. Chickens
always scratched through the yard to peck at scattered seeds. Included in the garden were trees of every
kind; palms, dates, bananas, bamboo, ferns and other tropical shrubs.
Nephi spent most of his time
alone in the garden. After completing
his own new hut, he anxiously anticipated the day he would find the right girl,
get married, and share this hut with his wife.
Upon entering the streets of
Zarahemla, Nephi paused and took a deep breath.
He filled his lungs with the air and then let it out slowly. He closed his eyes and tried to clear his
mind to help him relax. It didn’t
work. His heart beat rapidly and beads
of sweat appeared on his forehead, even though the early morning air was cool
and calm.
At this early hour, few people
had risen from hammocks in their own village huts on the outskirts of the
city. First, fires for cooking would be
prepared, and water brought from the river.
Afterward, attention would be given to the smaller children, the
chickens, the pigs, and the usual morning chores.
Later in the day, the streets of
Zarahemla would become crowded with merchants who would set up their tables
with all sorts of merchandise to sell.
There would be haggling over the cost of apparel, jewelry, necklaces,
beads, bread, fruit, knives, and just about anything else for which they sought
gain by the exchange of money. At the
end of the day, those who already had the most money expected to have even
more.
Since the streets were nearly
empty, nobody was likely to notice Nephi, recognize him, and ask what he was
doing, or question him about why he was headed towards the judgment-seat. Nevertheless, Nephi felt the tension grow in
his nerves. He was closer to returning
to a dreadful destination of unpleasant memories than he had been in a very
long time.
Because of the tragic events he
had witnessed there in the past, Nephi would forever associate suffering and
pain with going to the judgment-seat.
Nevertheless, he had promised his father that he would do it, saying, “I
will go. May your will be done.” He was determined to fulfill the mysterious mission
his father desired no matter what trials and afflictions or consequences it meant
for him personally.
Nephi had agreed to meet with his
father without a full knowledge of his father’s plan. His father wasn’t forcing him to come. But he also hadn’t satisfactorily explained why
the judgment-seat had to be the only place they could go.
“I’ll be waiting for you there,”
his father said reassuringly. “You’ll
learn how important this is to me. Be
sure to bring your personal seal. We
won’t need to stay very long.” He had
never insisted quite like this before.
Nephi started to walk again
towards the pyramids. His thinly
sandaled feet left no tracks on the hard, stoned streets. He even quickened his pace to get there
faster. He knew the best way to go. The route was still familiar. He had passed through these same streets leading
to the judgment-seat many times when he was a boy, at least ten years ago.
Although the streets were still mostly
the same, so many other things had changed in the intervening years. The familiar route had a totally different
feel to it than before. The
judgment-seat itself, more than anything else, symbolized how much things could
change in not many years’ time. The
closer Nephi got to the judgment-seat, the larger and the more ominous the new
pyramids with their towering temple structures appeared. Judgment-seat was the common term used to
refer to the entire combination of pyramid-like structures erected at this
site.
The murders committed at the
judgment-seat still divided the people into contentious factions. A few people still believed that Nephi’s
father was a great prophet and leader, but most of the people had apostatized
and were fooled by the Nehors and the band of Gadianton into believing that his
father was a liar. Those in power now
were wicked men who had seized control of the government to advance their evil
ways.
The previous night had been a
long one for Nephi. He had tossed and
turned in his hammock with many unanswered questions. Sleep had come fleetingly at best. His father’s few words echoed over and over
again in Nephi’s mind. Things like, why
would I need to be sure to bring my personal seal? Why
does father seem so reluctant to answer my questions? If “I’ll be waiting for you there” meant
father feels the way I do about the judgment-seat, then why can’t we meet
somewhere else? Who else might I be
seeing besides father? Will Timothy be
there too? Will he be required to
testify again? Will the entrance be
guarded by our enemies? What commotion
will result if father, my brother, and I all show up at the same time!?
“It’s all set then. We’ll meet just after sunrise. Don’t worry, son. I know that going to the judgment-seat will be
different for you than before. This has
nothing to do with your mother’s death, however. Everything will be fine. You’ll understand later why I am asking you
to do this.”
Nephi’s father acted like the
meeting planned for the next day was urgent, but had stopped speaking about it
and departed rather abruptly, leaving him with so many unanswered questions. That
was so typical of his father, to say only your mother’s death instead of your mother’s murder.
His father seemed very confident
that everything would be all right. Trust
in his father allowed Nephi to act in faith.
Despite the counsel to not worry, a constant stream of questions ran
through Nephi’s mind all night. What
unknown dangers would confront them?
What about their enemies who were in control there now? How difficult would it be to receive
permission from the guards to enter the temple palace?
The history of the judgment-seat
murders made it more difficult for everyone to enter the temple-palace. Previously, people came and went as they
pleased. Now, guards constantly watching
the pyramids would stop and question anyone they didn’t like. For Nephi, his immediate family members, and
their few loyal friends, entering the temple-palace these days was potentially
dangerous!
This early in the day, at least fewer
guards would be present.
Nephi quickened his pace through
the central streets of Zarahemla so much that he practically ran into the
massive courtyard which encircled the many elaborate structures of the
judgment-seat. The individual pyramids
were called either temples, or palaces, or oftentimes temple-palaces. The tall pyramids with flat tops were the
ceremonial platforms.
The exact position and
construction of each pyramid was carefully planned to assist in the study of the
movements of the sun, the moon, and the stars.
Since the sun had just risen to the height of the tall temple-palace on
the east side of the courtyard, somewhere inside the twin temple-palace on the
west side, the Elders of Zarahemla were discussing the significance of this
morning’s observations.
Rushing into the courtyard from
the west, eyes nearly closed against the morning sun, Nephi stumbled. Forced to slow down, and to look down, he pressed
onward more cautiously. He wanted to
avoid looking up to where his mother last stood anyway.
He crept towards the largest of
the pyramid structures. This was the
impressively high ceremonial platform palace at the center of the surrounding
pyramids. The shadow cast by the
steeply-sided structure was divided from the light in the open courtyard.
Most people would climb the steep
steps on the outside of the pyramid to view the sunrise on the platform from
the very top. Nephi, instead, moved stealthily
along the base of the pyramid to reach a ground-level entrance on the east
side.
Small beads of perspiration again
appeared on Nephi’s forehead. His heart
beat rapidly in his chest. The closer he
came to the entrance, the more alert to danger he became. Nephi took a deep breath through his nose and
blew it out his mouth. He smelled the
dust of the ground and became acutely aware of the uneasiness of his soul. A silent prayer for courage was offered when
he reached the corner of the palace where he had to leave the shadow and step
out into the glaring sunlight.
Nephi took the next step and
turned the corner. Suddenly exposed to
the light, he instinctively felt naked.
His natural tendency would have been to turn back and hide in the shadow
once again. He no longer had the choice
to remain concealed.
He heard the voice of a man from
somewhere who hissed, “S-S-S-Stop!!”
Author's comments on Chapter 1:
ReplyDeleteThis has been the most re-worked chapter of any chapter in the book so far. I've had to write, re-write, and revise this one numerous times. The reader needs to be drawn into the book right away. The setting, the time, and the groundwork for the book all have to come together fast. Chapter 1 may be as far as most people get.
The title of Chapter 1 has changed a number of times too. "Out of the Garden" sort of sounds like "Out of Africa," doesn't it? The right mixing of symbolism into the fictional plot has been a difficult challenge. Noting the symbolic allusions will be important if you stay with me to later chapters. Please comment.
I like the idea of releasing it 1 chapter at a time. Good marketing approach.
ReplyDeleteI think "Out of the Garden" sounds fine. "Out of Africa" never crossed my mind.
I love the writing! Excellent sentence to sentence and paragraph to paragraph structure and phraseology. As long as the overall plot, and theme of the book continue to hold up well, I think you're in good shape. I pride myself on tearing students' essays to shreds, editing grammar, and re-wording most sentences. But I think you have very, very little sentence or paragraph re-wording to do (if any).
I think the first chapter does a good job of building suspense and drawing us into the thick of the plot quickly. But the first several paragraphs are a very calm, slow intro. Not that that's bad, I'm just wondering how "right away" you want to draw us in. If it's by the end of the first chapter, mission accomplished. If it's within the first page or two of said chapter, all I had was a nice guy who liked gardening, and was out for a stroll. Maybe something to describe Nephi's heart racing or something to pique our curiosity about the intensity of his situation in the first paragraph or two, before you ease into the calmer paragraphs describing the man.
I agree that it's going to be a challenge to find the right mix of symbolism vs. fictional plot. There were a couple phrases that stood out to me as extremely overt symbolism. Nephi “saw that his work was good,... pleased with his creation…” and “I will go. May your will be done.” You may have intended to make these extremely obvious, but for an LDS reader (most of your target audience), they're over-the-top obvious. I pictured bright neon signs with lights and arrows flashing at Nephi saying "Look! He's a Christ-figure!!!" If that's the intent, you're fine. If you wanted to keep us guessing and feeling proud that we figured it out, you may want to re-word those sentences a little bit. I felt like I found hints of potential symbolism in other places, and it made me wonder if "Maybe this could mean something, maybe not..." When I think of Harry Potter, or Uncle Tom being used as Christ-figures, I felt proud of myself for figuring it out. Whereas this these 2 almost felt like they were handed to me on a silver platter, and I missed the thrill of the hunt.
This sentence: Things like, if “You’ll learn how important this is to me” had nothing to do with mother’s murder, then what makes it so important? While I later realized it was grammatically correct, it tripped me up on my first read-through. I think something about the If, then quote, and then continuing the rest of the sentence after the quote,… I just lost my way and it didn't sound right until my second or third reading. Again, totally correct. But I stumbled. If other people have the same thought, you might want to re-word it in a way that’s easier to understand the first time through.
"Judgment-seat was the common term used to refer to the entire combination of pyramid-like structures erected at this site." This is good info. But it came fairly late in the chapter. After you’d already mentioned the judgement seat several times. Maybe give this explanation earlier?
The tall pyramids with a flat top were the ceremonial platforms. I think it should be flat tops.
Great ending to the chapter. I love cliff-hangers that make me anxious to read the next chapter.
Thanks for sharing so many specific comments. I'm not trying to hide or make it particularly difficult to find symbols and references. Using "thy will be done" is a freebie, a slam dunk to get the reader feeling good about what the book is about. All prophets are "Christ-figures." Jonah and the whale is more than a fish story, and at the same time, it is a fun story for kids to learn. I need to avoid hitting the reader over the head with symbolic distractions. So, good point.
DeleteEdits: The sentence that gave you trouble -- deleted. I decided it could go because the topic of the mother's murder is introduced soon after. The idea was to create interest in a mysterious murder. Judgment-seat as the entire complex of pyramids has been moved up to where changes are first mentioned. Tall pyramids with flat tops were the ceremonial platforms. Good to have your review, thanks! It helps to have more eyes to see what I miss. Changes have been made to my master copy but will not appear in the posts already put on the blog.
Edits based on Ryan's suggestions have been made and posted 15April2013. New readers will see the most current version of chapter 1.
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